Court!! Where have you been? I haven’t seen you post much online! You haven’t shared any blogs lately!
The truth is both really exciting and really scary.
In reading this, you’ve likely heard about or read something about Blue Goat. What I haven’t shared up to now is what happened when I was writing the last few lines of the book.
I started crying.
I set out to write a book about what I was seeing going on in the world around me. I wanted to shine a light on what I felt was happening in the lives of so many that I have connected with over the years. For some reason the book just poured out of me. I told Natalie when I was writing that it felt like I was having an out of body experience. I literally couldn’t stop writing.
When I finished it all became really clear. I was writing the book to myself.
For years I wanted to think I was “doing the work” and trying to figure it all out. I was hoping that I was in touch with who I was and paying attention to each day and where I was going. It was so much easier to see everything that wasn’t right in the world around me, than to do the work on myself.
I can only describe it as a soulful awakening. I was literally yelling at myself to wake up. To pay attention. To really, really look at everything in my life.
What I was doing and who I was doing it for.
What I found wasn’t pretty.
I was making decisions and choices based on the same things I recognized were total bullshit in my book.
I’m super excited to share that I got my own attention. I'm awake now.
I know why I couldn’t stop writing. It wasn’t me that was writing. It was the real me, waking me up at 4am, forcing me out of bed to write. People can’t believe when I tell them I wrote Blue Goat in 12 days.
Now hopefully it makes more sense why. I wasn’t really “writing”, I was yelling! Yelling at myself, I guess when you yell, you just write faster!
Since writing Blue Goat I’ve started a journey that I’m not sure will ever end. The journey to truly find who I am.
What I’ve realized is that the real me has been buried by so much programming, so many stories, expectations of success, societal norms, fear, ego, etc… I’ve started the process of truly trying to become a Blue Goat. To uncover and take on the challenge of becoming myself.
The reason I haven’t been blogging much, or posting on social media is because I am in the thick of pulling back all of the stuff that has been holding me down. Digging out from what I think it all is supposed to look like.
I’m paying attention to the things that truly make me feel alive and get excited about each day. I let my ego make me think I had to build a huge financial firm. I let media and society create the measuring stick I was using to see if I was “on track” or “successful”.
I realized that I needed to literally start over. From the beginning. Looking at who I am and wiping away all the stuff that I’ve allowed to become part of me. I let my “life” become controlled and run by all of the stuff around me. What I’d been told my whole life success looked like. How hard I had been programmed to believe I had to work. How much money I needed to make. How I needed to dress.
Even as simple as why I was shaving every day. Who was I doing that for? Why did I have to do that? I’m telling you, I’ve been trying to ask the question “why?” to literally everything that has in some way shape or form to be a part of what I do and how I show up in the world. *I hardly shave now by the way :)
Some of the big things were obvious, like for my firm. I’m not hiring any more people on my team. I’m not expanding. I’m getting back to doing what I love.
Helping people. Creating. Writing. Connecting with others.
In scaling back my firm and not trying to expand into other cities or bringing on more advisors, I will actually be able to work with more clients.
In writing more I’m realizing how much more I need to uncover about how I think and what I feel about the person I am and the man I want to be. In tapping into my passion for connecting with others I’ve started an entirely new business around that specific goal. I’m super excited to share more and will be sharing that story in the near future. I’m hoping to launch it by March.
All I can say is that if you are reading this, I can’t thank you enough for being a part of the journey with me. I’m not blogging much, mostly because I’ve been trying to unpack the crazy experience of writing a book calling myself out.
Realizing that as bad as I wanted it to be the case. I was still a sheep, who thought it was a Blue Goat.
I’m excited to be back to sharing. Taking you on this journey with me and seeing where things go.
Whatever you are doing, I hope you take a few moments for yourself. Turn off the radio for a second. Put down your phone. Turn off the tv.
Just sit there with yourself.
You will be blown away.